Advice

[kiyakotari]

Stolen from askerian. Apparently the "best meme ever."

Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Hit me. I just got an IUD put in and need something to take my mind off of the incredibly ridiculous cramping. $@&#*$@&#$!!!

Comments

[saintsavin.livejournal.com]

Dear Wren,

The commissions department at our life partner's firm (by which I mean the people who help us with our life contracting, as opposed to a group marriage of some sort) is a little on the iffy side. I have reason to believe that the head of that department, or at least the person who typically prepares our statements, is unfamiliar with the "sort" command in Excel. Frequently, we receive statements from them which involve entries for various companies scattered throughout the page in a fashion resembling a pile of receipts caught by a gust from an air conditioner. We are obliged to do subtotals ourselves, and, upon doing them, often find that the grand total of the statement is off. We often receive payments and chargebacks for agents who don't actually belong to us.

On top of this, one member of the accounting department believes that I am capable of forwarding statements to her which I have not yet myself received and which she herself would in fact be able to pull herself if she would spend several minutes on the phone with the associated company. I have explained this to her multiple times, using progressively smaller and simpler words. If I do this again, I will have no choice but to resort to Toki Pona.

My question is this. I feel I would like to exact revenge on these individuals and I have a method for forwarding them anonymous packages their way. I would prefer not to deal with hazardous substances, but road kill seems somewhat unclassy. What do you suggest?

-Frustrated in AZ.

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear Frustrated in AZ,

If you have the resources to put the individuals in question under surveillance, forwarding photographs of them in compromising situations would be fitting. Remember that you should not actually include any threats, demands, or implications that compensation would be required to keep the photos "just between you," as such could be construed as blackmail. Rather, the presence of the photographs themselves, from an anonymous sender, would give them something to think about without ever placing you in a position of guilt.

Sincerely,
Wren

[saintsavin.livejournal.com]

Dear Wren,

...not to bother you, but what do you suggest as medical treatment for laughed-up lungs?

-K.

XD

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear K.,

I'm assuming you're speaking metaphorically, and that you haven't actually laughed so hard that part of your lung came out of your mouth. If you have, get yourself to the nearest emergency medical facility. Now.

Amusedly,
Wren

PS: Bring the piece(s) of lung with you. The staff at the facility might need to run tests on them.

Not for the Squeamish

[greenjudy.livejournal.com]

Dear Jian,

Can you recommend any pest deterrents that won't entail laying down lots of poison (dangerous for my bird, ethical problems for me)? I have several rather melodramatic flavors of vermin, making me wonder if the devil has moved into the spare room or the closet or something. On a brighter note, found a severed rat's head in my back yard this morning.

Thanks in advance,
Satan's Roomie in CA

Re: Not for the Squeamish

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear Satan's Roomie in CA,

It depends on the specific type of pest.

Laying down a line of salt around the perimeter generally discourages slugs in the garden, but is only effective until the next rain and runs the risk of damaging the soil ("sowing the fields with salt" was not simply an idle expression) if overused. It's not poisonous, though.

Coffee grounds spread along the joins of walls and across window-sills and door frames will usually keep ants from coming into your home. I have no idea why this works. Wren suggested that it might have something to do with the caffeine content, but more likely it was connected to the odor-masking effect of coffee (smugglers use it to hide drugs for a reason) and the fact that ants use scent markers to navigate. She's probably correct. This technique has the disadvantage of being messy, but again, it is not poison.

For the rat, I would suggest getting a cat. As you've mentioned you have a bird, it would obviously need to be an outdoor animal. If you don't want to take on the responsibility of a cat of your own, you might consider leaving a bit of food out in the backyard for a week or so, to attract any strays you might have, and see if you can make the morning severed rat's head become a more common occurrence. This has the negative potential of attracting other types of vermin (such as opossum, racoons, etc) that may not be as interested in hunting down your rat population as the neighborhood cats, and if you're particularly unlucky you'll end up feeding the rats you're trying to get rid of, but it may be worth a trial run.

An exorcism or ritual cleansing might also be in order.

Sincerely,
Jian Yuan

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Dear Jian,
My bad guy has disappeared on me several times now, turning into first this one and then that one and finally retreating into the cool, evasive corporate/militaryindustrialcomplex distance of the responsible party being Nobody In Particular (as they tend to do). I think my characters have decided they'd really just rather hang out and eat cajun food and get a handle on their weird new mods, rather than chasing Those Bastards down, kicking ass, and leaving nothing much, not a smear, behind that could ever be identified with names.
Do you have any suggestions?

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear nagasvoice,

As long as your Bad Guy is not actively causing problems for your group, then I think they should thank their lucky stars and try to live a normal life (or lives, as the case may be). However, if Those Bastards are still kicking up a ruckus, I have one very solid piece of advice for tracking down the source of the problems so that he/she/it/they can be dealt with:

Follow the money.

Sincerely,
Jian Yuan

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Thank you, that is a very good idea indeed--so I may sic the auditors on Those B**. (Entirely deserved, I'm sure.)

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear nagasvoice,

I normally would hesitate to say anyone deserves having auditors set loose on them, but in this instance it's probably appropriate.

Sincerely,
Jian Yuan

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much, it is helpful!

[lionhearts.livejournal.com]

(Dee really wants to ask a question, but my creativity is a dry and cracked riverbed at the moment. This meme is awesome, btw. I had to say something because the above comments rule.)

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

(I fully understand the creativity tap issue, trust me! I'm all viral and IUD-pained and grumpy right now, and keep sneezing green stuff all over myself - which, of course, is made even better by the fact that I'm at work. This meme won't be closing anytime soon, so if you come up with something later, go ahead and shoot!)