Advice

[kiyakotari]

Stolen from askerian. Apparently the "best meme ever."

Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Hit me. I just got an IUD put in and need something to take my mind off of the incredibly ridiculous cramping. $@&#*$@&#$!!!

Comments

[saintsavin.livejournal.com]

Dear Wren,

The commissions department at our life partner's firm (by which I mean the people who help us with our life contracting, as opposed to a group marriage of some sort) is a little on the iffy side. I have reason to believe that the head of that department, or at least the person who typically prepares our statements, is unfamiliar with the "sort" command in Excel. Frequently, we receive statements from them which involve entries for various companies scattered throughout the page in a fashion resembling a pile of receipts caught by a gust from an air conditioner. We are obliged to do subtotals ourselves, and, upon doing them, often find that the grand total of the statement is off. We often receive payments and chargebacks for agents who don't actually belong to us.

On top of this, one member of the accounting department believes that I am capable of forwarding statements to her which I have not yet myself received and which she herself would in fact be able to pull herself if she would spend several minutes on the phone with the associated company. I have explained this to her multiple times, using progressively smaller and simpler words. If I do this again, I will have no choice but to resort to Toki Pona.

My question is this. I feel I would like to exact revenge on these individuals and I have a method for forwarding them anonymous packages their way. I would prefer not to deal with hazardous substances, but road kill seems somewhat unclassy. What do you suggest?

-Frustrated in AZ.

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear Frustrated in AZ,

If you have the resources to put the individuals in question under surveillance, forwarding photographs of them in compromising situations would be fitting. Remember that you should not actually include any threats, demands, or implications that compensation would be required to keep the photos "just between you," as such could be construed as blackmail. Rather, the presence of the photographs themselves, from an anonymous sender, would give them something to think about without ever placing you in a position of guilt.

Sincerely,
Wren

[saintsavin.livejournal.com]

Dear Wren,

...not to bother you, but what do you suggest as medical treatment for laughed-up lungs?

-K.

XD

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

Dear K.,

I'm assuming you're speaking metaphorically, and that you haven't actually laughed so hard that part of your lung came out of your mouth. If you have, get yourself to the nearest emergency medical facility. Now.

Amusedly,
Wren

PS: Bring the piece(s) of lung with you. The staff at the facility might need to run tests on them.